99 ways to get fired
at Sears
By Anonymous Sears Employee
1.
Come to work dressed as a "Go, Go" dancer, especially
if male. When Questioned insist that it is you artistic right
as an American!
2.
Learn to speak many languages, switch during conversations with
customers.
3.
Sniff Methyl Ethyl Keaton, do whatever comes naturally.
4.
For pagan cults involving lawn mower sacrifices. Freely recruit
customers during your lunch break.
5.
When receiving calls wait until after the customer ask you a question
and respond, "Let me transfer you to someone who cares."
6.
Page managers to non-existent departments. Example: Frozen goods,
check out lane eight, and The Pharmacy.
7.
Open each transaction stating your name, associate number followed
by "Logging in". Ignore any questions about such behavior.
8.
Insist your "Borg", remember resistance is futile.
9.
Refer to managers by playful nicknames such as skip, bubba, and
where applicable, the big cheese.
10.
Constantly mumble obscenities under your breath. When questioned
simply tell them you're praying.
11.
Cry when handing a customer his purchase, tell him it's always
so sad to see one of the family go.
12.
Pretend each customer is the local teenage rascal coming to pick
up your daughter for the first time. Act accordingly regarding
their purchase.
13.
Insist on sniffing every can of paint to see if it's fresh.
14.
When checking out, tell them there money is "no good here."
15.
Insist on adding completely unrelated "complementary"
items with their purchase. Example:
Paint cans and ladies undergarments.
Men's jeans and air compressor accessories.
A new car battery and children shoes.
16.
Force the use of sears card upon customers with deadly force.
17.
Inform the customers about big brother, referring to the cameras.
Openly accuse them of spying on you.
18.
Insist on demonstrating every item a customer purchases, especially
men and woman's clothing, lingerie, nail guns (with a demonic
smile).
19.
Play destruction derby in the parking lot; make sure certain participants
are not given cars.
20.
Tell the driving instructor to go on a break, take his class through
a short cut, through the main isle.
21.
Insist that you are the quality inspector. Inspect each individual
items tolerance to numerous tests such as fire, water and he occasional
sledge hammer.
22.
Invent new sports such as paint can bowling.
23.
On Sears' tab order a hundred kegs and two hundred pizzas, invite
all the local high schools for the "managers' retirement
part". Invite the local police precinct too.
24.
Invite your managers to the Jerry Springer show, when in Rome.
25.
Suck up to your manager by taking his car out to be detailed.
Come back with a different car, claim ignorance.
26.
Clearance items to one dollar. Insist your helping the store by
selling more.
27.
Ask customers for permission to have intercourse with their daughters.
28.
Apologize to customers for not understanding them. Tell them you're
from another country, when they ask which one, answer Rhode Island.
29.
Bring your pet to work, especially if on loan from the zoo.
30.
Claim your boss is an illegal immigrant.
31.
Leave dead bald eagles in your boss's car; call the national parks
and wildlife service.
32.
Find where your managers live. Visit them frequently at three
a.m., claiming to take advantage of his open door policy.
33.
Start ritual bonfire in the paint department.
34.
Launch little children in the air with the treadmills, be competitive.
35.
Haggle.
36.
Ask customers if they have seen any small fury beady eyed creatures
running around. If they ask why, just say you were wondering.
37.
Offer to buy the customer's clothiers, purse, wallet, and children
instead, offer a fair trade.
38.
Insist that customers pay you in exotic foreign currency such
as rubles.
39.
Carry one numerous affairs with your managers wives, blame other
managers.
40.
Start a "Sears Tour," lead them back through the stock
room, LP, and the manager's house at night, offer souvenirs.
41.
Insist that customers refer to you as the "prophesized one",
and "the omega craftsman red".
42. Never make eye contact with managers. If asked why, insist
that they are not worthy.
43.
Politically, declare the paint department a separate country.
Use these rights to your advantage.
44.
Obsess about old corny Television shows. When people say it's
only TV, pronounce them heretics.
45.
Sell everything, "Under the table".
46.
Learn to speak Japanese. Yell obscenities to customers and call
the people, "White western devils" in Japanese.
47.
Get managers credit cards, order porno and sexual toys. Have it
delivered to their office.
48.
Ask customers if the have ever tasted the dark side. If they say
yes, tell them to describe the taste for you.
49.
Draw caricatures of you customers while checking them our.
50.
Tell the local butcher to use your manager's office as cold storage.
Turn the heat all the way up.
51.
Convince your manager you have epilepsy. Use this to you advantage.
52.
Learn to speak in numerous accents. Switch multiple times during
any given conversation.
53.
When a manager asks you to do something, respond by laughing deviously
and repeatedly say, "Sure if that what you want me to do."
54.
Mumble all the time.
55.
Picket in protest of you companies strict hand washing regulations.
56.
Start an escort service from the paint counter.
57.
Claim diplomatic immunity for everything.
58.
Preach to your customers. Preferably preach to them in the Southern
Baptist fire and brimstone style.
59.
Transfer gay male porno lines to your manager's office.
60.
Clearance sharp knives and drills to the one-dollar range. Sell
them to little children and tell dateline, Marvin Zindler, etc
of "your managers" actions.
61.
Create an in store scandal, sell the rights to NBC.
62.
Four words........Sears the night club.
63.
One your night off, come in and perform improve prop comedy.
64.
When people ask you for various items, instruct them to wrong
departments and then tell them they misunderstood you.
65.
Construct a full-scale 3-d replica of yourself out of newspaper
and paint. See how long I take for people to notice.
66.
1st annual sears paint ball tournament, in sears.
67.
Dress up as Santa...in April.
68.
Bartend behind the paint counter, tell managers that it heightens
a customers shopping experience.
69.
Claim to be immortal. Have sword fights in the middle of the isles.
Remember there can be only one.
70.
Challenge your manager to a duel to decide leadership over the
"clan".
71.
Over time, steal as much as you can, from televisions to screw
drivers. Hide all of them in your manager's garage and inform
the corporation of his actions.
72.
End every transaction by telling the customer to "break a
leg",
73.
Inform fellow associated that they will never amount to anything
and they are a disgrace to the human race, frequently and always
with a smile.
74.
Follow customers out into the mall and stalk them. When ask what
you were doing simply reply you were curious.
75.
Box with your manager. Remember mercy is for the weak.
76.
Store uses multiple items such as radios, TV's, and stereo equipment
to give your department more pizzazz. Use this word often.
77.
Ask customers what the impregnation procedures for their daughters
are. When they ask what you're talking about, slyly respond, "Surely,
you know".
78.
Inform customers of their Miranda right every time your check
them out.
79.
Make passes at every female customer you see. Give them your manager's
number.
80.
Hand out business cards from other stores. Ex. Loews, Foleys,
JC Penny's, Wards.
81.
Dress up in a biohazard suit. Act non-suspiciously. Pretend to
tear a hole in the suit and run out of the store screaming.
82.
Quarantine the store.
83.
Notify the National Parks and wildlife Service of two nesting
spotted owls in your store. Declare your store and National wildlife
refuge.
84.
Constantly sharpen a twelve-inch bowie knife. When customers ask
you a question, smile demonically.
85.
Rig the water fountain to pump out sewage. Insist its just lemonade
and chocolate.
86.
Sell customers everything "under the table," Comment
to your manager about how great a sales person you are.
87.
Tell the boss you're going door to door selling. Come back with
a lot of money and pocket the profit.
88.
Make a list of every customer's name, number address and SS#.
Sell this list over the Internet.
89.
Take your lunch break five minutes after the store opens and come
back five minutes before it closes.
90.
Dress up and act exactly like your manager. When asked about your
behavior, simply tell him you're trying to live up to your father's
footsteps.
91.
Fill a large portion of the isles in your department with coke
bottles full of dry ice. Run screaming yelling its going to blow.
Watch when it does.
92.
Send thirty male hookers to your store manager's office with the
message, "From Your Employees with Love."
93.
Lie, even when it doesn't matter, lie.
94.
Take a test drive through the store in one of the tractors.
95.
Have Vanilla Ice and the village people play live in your store.
96.
Start a race riot.
97.Burn satanic messages and symbols into the floor.
98. Sell raffle tickets for the manager's car.
And the final way to get fired from Sears....
99. Write a 99 ways to get fired as sears list…
Copyright©
1997- 2002 by
Damon Jasso
